04 July 2006

How to Tell Your Thick Headed Husband

I've spent a lot of time reading everything I can find on LDD or Taken in Hand relationships. I've read a lot of posts by women who are frustrated and don't know how to tell their SO what it is that they want and crave.

I decided to write a little Domestic Discipline "Primer" from a guy to guys that a woman could copy, edit and print off. Then place it under his coffee mug some morning....

No, better place it on top of the mug otherwise he might not see it. Then, all the needy lady has to do is place a nice hairbrush or other scary implement on his pillow or dresser and patiently wait for the fireworks to start.

So here is: Loving DD

The reason you are reading this is because the woman in your life has something to tell you that she doesn’t know how to vocalize. How can that be? For as long as you’ve known her, she certainly has never before been at a loss of words. Well this subject can be sensitive, she doesn’t know how you will react or what you will think of her.

She wants to change the doubt that she has for this and any other subject, she wants to build a firm foundation of trust and communication for not only this subject but for all subjects so she can know that she can talk to you about anything. Ok, this is already starting to sound like it’s going to be a major pain in the butt, well it will be a lot of work and require a major time commitment for both of you. Let me assure you, it certainly will be a major pain in the butt, the good news it won’t be your butt.

A Strong Woman
Your lady is probably a strong confident woman of character, perhaps well educated but none the less she just about always knows what she wants and seldom if ever hesitates to do whatever is necessary. If she works outside the home she may hold a position of authority with responsibilities that she handles skillfully and or charge of a number of employees.

So how can it be that a woman who may be strong in so many ways has such a difficult time letting you know what she really wants you to now do?

Because, there are sometimes things she doesn’t want to be strong about, at least without your help. There’s something that she wants you to do instead… she wants you to take a more active part in your relationship. She wants you to hold her accountable for her safety, attitude and responsibilities. She's asking for your help.

If she endangers herself, or anyone else for that matter by doing something foolish like driving home after having too many cocktails with her girlfriends… Well, she wants you to take action that will prevent her from ever doing it again!

If she was moody, rude, or down right bitchy to you, or for that matter anyone… Well she wants you to take action that will make her think twice next time before opening her mouth and inserting foot.

If she kept putting off writing the check for the credit card and now it’s late… Well she wants you to take action that will make her want to get those things done that she knows she has to do. She wants you to accept the responsibility of holding her accountable and teach her a lesson that she will be able to remember for a long, long time.

There are other things too.
The next time you two argue, she wants you to put your foot down and lay down the law that there won’t be any more arguing.

She wants you to say "That will be quite enough, we’ll talk about this later when cooler heads prevail!".

She doesn’t want you to make a major decision without her input or agreement, but she does want you to take control of the debate when it’s in danger of being an argument. She wants you to take action. No stupid, not action on the subject, action on the method of conversation.

If she should fail to respect your decision that it wasn’t a conversation, if she doesn’t accept and respect your opinion that no progress was being made, just the same points being berated and restated in louder volumes. If she fails to respect you in any manner during the incident she wants you to take action so that she’ll never do that again. If she does ever forget in the future, she wants to know that you will not tolerate it without consequences.

You see she’s not asking you to make her decisions for her, she’s looking for emotional support and a somewhat constant reinforcement of care and love with your consistent involvement in how you communicate. Now go back and reread this paragraph at least three times, and take notes… no hi-liter on the monitor please.

Why does she want these things?Because as a woman the most sensual and powerful attractant that draws her to you as her man is her respect for you.

No, forget it, it’s not your pride and joy swinging between your legs, she would happily settle for a less endowed man if there is such a thing. It’s not your magical fingers that she enjoys so much. No, it’s not those things that you do with your tongue either. All those things are icing, the real cake is the leadership that you can, or rightfully should provide her as a man. She wants to respect you. She also wants you to respect her, but you already knew that, she’s probably screamed it at you a hundred times.

The good news here if you so choose, you can take action to insure that she never screams at you again, well she might, once.

What brings these things out in a woman?
Simple, if you didn’t notice she’s different from you. No, not just those spots. She thinks differently than you do. Much of what goes on in her mind can become a mix of uncontrollable emotions that build up to an intolerable level, she’s not happy, she might be confused, she wants you to help her.

She does know what she wants, she wants to let all of it go with a good cry. She wants to be leaning on your shoulder, telling you everything, sobbing and clearing her head and heart of all the pent up emotions and unsaid things.

Having you listen, having you forgiver her, having you tell her it will all be alright. In other words dim-wit… she wants you to spank her.

No, not sensual play although she might like that too. She wants a real old fashioned over the knee, you’re going to remember this for a long, long time and never do it again butt stinging, bottom throbbing cheek burning spanking.

However before you even think about giving her what she wants and needs you really do need to know how to do it right. No, you do not. Pay attention and do some other research elsewhere too. If you do it wrong, it will make things much worse and you’ll never be able to explain it to the domestic relations people.

Now you have to be asking yourself why in the world would a woman who you’ve committed to protecting want you to cause her pain?
Well, she doesn’t really want you to cause her pain, she doesn’t want to be hurt at all. In fact if you do it properly she will be kicking, crying, screaming and begging you to stop, but you can not. She knows it’s going to be painful for her and an experience that she in fact really doesn’t want to have.

She does however know that it does have to happen for the sake of the relationship. She knows that her sore bottom will bring a rush of tears and eventually a flood of emotions out that will give her a much needed release. Ultimately she will gain a new found respect for the man who loves her enough to spank her for her own good and the good of your relationship.

What is all this?
It doesn’t really matter what name you give it though this is commonly known as Loving Domestic Discipline, often just called LDD or DD. It borrows some terms and methods from BDSM, but that’s about where the connection ends. There are limitless variations and some refer to it as being "Taken in Hand" or TIH. Often associated with the Queen’s English way of referring to these actions, such as "Her husband’s reacted to the incident when he promptly took matters in hand". Many believe that there are both subtle and strong difference between LDD and TIH, but I won’t have that discussion here.

There are also many faith based participants who may refer to themselves as practicing Christian Domestic Discipline. Why not pick up the bible and check out Ephesians Chapter 5 verse 21 onward. Some call it a Traditional Marriage, that’s right just like Ricky taking Lucy over his knee for being irresponsible or John Wayne giving Maureen O’Hara a well deserved attitude adjustment.

What is it not?
As you read the hundreds of works available on the Internet you will likely find hundreds of opinions on this. Whatever it’s worth, this really is not a licensed subsidiary of BDSM. You may or may not have had experience with BDSM, it really is a very large, broad label that covers what seams to be a limitless number of activities.

For many, BDSM often involves pleasure gained by giving discipline or being disciplined, binding or being bound, enjoying the heightened pleasure brought on by the flow of endorphins usually in response to pain. Arousal from getting or giving power, authority or pain, it doesn’t need a reason other than exploring the mutual desires of the participants.Often BDSM is role play or exploring fantasies that work toward the goal of satisfying a fetish or even just heightened sexual pleasure.

The goal of Loving DD is not the pursuit of the next orgasm, the goal and attainable result of LDD is a stronger relationship between you and your partner. Many couples after discipline do actually find themselves moving to the bedroom but the heightened sexual desire that your mate will likely display is the result of the stronger sense of security and from receiving you after-care.

Properly delivered, after an effective spanking she will be crying profusely but craving your embrace.
The craving for a sense of security from your leadership and approval drives her need. As a man your natural instinct is to spread your seed, as a woman her basic instinct compels her to a man who she believes to be strong enough to protect both her and her family.

That doesn’t mean that you and your partner can’t weave in certain aspects of BDSM into TTWD (This Thing We Do). That is of course completely up to each couple just how, when, where and the why incidents or actions require attention. Many couple who practice DD insist that there be no aspect of sexual play before or after Punishment or Discipline spankings. Every couple is different and your mileage may vary, you need to discuss these items and what expectations you each may have in detail.

Could it be that the reason my woman wants to be spanked is that she just gets some kinky pleasure from being spanked? Well in all honesty, maybe.

Some women and some men do derive sexual excitement at the thought of being spanked. But if that’s all she wanted, that’s all she would have asked for.

This certainly didn't happen overnight. She may very well have been harboring fantasies of being taken and being spanked by a strong man for decades. Or, this may have been a recent discovery from something she may have read on the Internet, but still not an overnight impulsive awakening. She has probably lied awake at night for hours trying to imagine how she could even begin a conversation with you about this subject. There are many stigmas that are attached to spanking, consider forgetting them all and remember this woman loves you and wants your relationship to not only survive but grow ever stronger.

Surveys have suggested that possibly as much as 40% of adults in the United States practice some sort of consensual spanking activity in the privacy of their homes. There are many variations from light butt slaps during sex play to what could be described as nothing less than the infliction of intense pain.

No matter what, she probably will be sexually aroused by the thought of you spanking her. Many women who actively practice a DD lifestyle with their mate report that the thought of their significant other taking action is what excites them, not the pain.

The bottom line so to speak, she has opened her heart to you. This likely is her deepest most precious secret and the only reason she has revealed this all to you is because she has an intense love for you and wants to open those secrets to you. She wants to trust you knowing that no matter what you won't laugh, you will listen.

Rules and Contracts
Some couples write out formal contracts that are always subject to revision, others establish a list of boundaries or simple rules and consequences. You must jointly decide how you establish rules and consequences, it’s her responsibility to obey them and it’s your responsibility to enforce the consequences with consistency and fairness.

How to Spank OTK (Over the Knee) 
Schedule some private time where you can practice and exchange feelings and thoughts. Discuss basic rules and how they need to be enforced. Plan for that private time to include an actual practice spanking, take your time and discuss all reactions.She probably knows exactly how it has to happen, and could very well be hiding implements that she's been collecting that she imagines you will possibly spank her with.

However, the most effective implement that you need to learn how to use first, is your bare hand. If you start off tyring to smack her ass with your bare hand as hard as you can... Your hand will only last about five or six smacks before it's more sore than her ass.

Find a nice chair or edge of the bed and have a comfortable seat if you're going to make her seat uncomfortable. Lead her over your lap and rub your target, telling her you love her and that's why she's going to be spanked.

Start off slow and light, build a rhythm and use a loose floppy wrist and fingers. Before too long her ass will start to burn warm from the sting. She'll likely try to reach back to protect her poor vulnerable ass as the spanking begins to become effective; Don't let her, one of you will end up with broken fingers that way. Hold her wrist into the shallow of her back which will likely force her ass up for better target access.

Progress in stages with breaks to rest your hand. Your comfort is paramount if the spanking is going to last long enough to be effective. Her comfort isn't quite as important, but she can't be so uncomfortable as to be distracted. The spanking needs to be the only thing that should be on her mind besides the actions that got her in this position.

For the second inning lift her dress or pull down her pants leaving only her thin panties for protection. Then, perhaps for the third inning, pull down her panties far enough to frame your target and give you an unfettered view of your handiwork.

Sooner or later her legs will begin to kick rather furiously, swing your free leg over both of hers to insure she stays put for all the action you have planned.

Remember, you are not spanking her ass, you are spanking her brain. Her ass is nothing more than a very effective conduit to the brain... Scold.

Scold effectively and not in a condescending fashion; Scold honestly without embellishment so keep it real and not contrived otherwise it's just role play and she didn't ask for that.

Pay attention now, this is important, consider this a sport and that you need to practice. Assume that you will not start until you know all the plays and all the rules.Some important rules you two need to discuss:
  • Never spank her while you are angry... Think corner time, or tomorrow.
  • Never, ever let alcohol cloud your senses (or other diversions) when there will be a punishment spanking
  • Never spank with an implement you're not familiar with
  • Never spank without being completely aware of her reactions... Lights on!
  • Never spank when you are not capable of forgiveness.
  • Never spank without her knowing why
  • Never spank without her full consent, use a "Safe Word" or at least a "Health Word"
  • Never spank without knowing she agrees it's deserved and you're right to do so.
  • Never spank above the hip.
Keep in mind that most women (and men) who want Domestic Discipline in their relationship have a paradox in their brains with two basic concerns:

  • Her first major concern is that you won't be willing or able to spank her long enough and hard enough enough to bring her to tears and give her a life changing cathartic experience.
  • Her second major concern is that you will be willing and able to spank her long enough and hard enough enough to bring her to tears and give her a life changing cathartic experience

So, keep in mind she may be both craving and afraid of a spanking that will leave her bottom sore and tender for hours and possibly even sore for days. You can't start off that way though. If that's what she's craving you need to work toward those possibly more severe spankings gradually. She, and you may want her bottom to be intensely sore, but you must never hurt her. She wants this and it scares her, she doesn't want to experience this from you, she wants to experience this with you.
There might be times she refuses to be spanked, that's ok, it's her right to revoke your spanking permit. If this should happen she will have to decide if DD is what she really wanted all along and if so, under what context and rules. There's nothing wrong with taking s break.

Why spanking?
There may very well be times that you don’t even have to spank your partner if that’s what’s right for you and your partner at the time.

Many couples integrate other forms of punishment into their LDD relationship. Restriction of privileges or writing lines are other popular punishments, they won’t bring the instant rush of tears that a good spanking will. They will however remind her of your authority, the authority that she freely and willingly gives you. Remember that behavior is not in the butt, the butt is simply a very effective conduit to the brain. The required submission, humiliation and sting of a spanking are all pointed at the brain.

Fairness and Consistency
Trust and Communication are absolutely paramount as you move together to this lifestyle.

This isn’t a one way street, it happens with her consent. That’s right, she’s giving you permission to control her behavior, and she has the right to revoke it at any time. That’s not likely to happen unless you fail to do your job properly and that’s with fairness and consistency.

As you begin to research this topic you will notice that many women who are in DD relationships have one basic need from their HOH (Head of Household, that’s you sport) and it’s consistency,

I can not stress that enough. You just can not spank her bottom one time and the next time the same thing happens say "we’ll just let it go this time". You may be thinking that you want to let it go because you’re just too tired to do anything about it right now. You can not ever do that, because she’ll be thinking you just don’t care enough to do anything about it or put enough effort into protecting your relationship
Gotta Listen.
Keep the talk going all the time, don’t try to provide solutions during conversation, probe and when she says something ask her what that means to her. Men when presented with a point by a woman immediately try to think of a solution. Guess what guy, she doesn’t want you to solve all her dilemmas, but she does want you to hear them and understand them from her perspective. You’ll certainly need to learn to tell the difference, the answer won’t always be trip over your knee, often the answer is simple empathic listening.

So who holds you responsible?
You do, you will have to live your life to a higher standard.

Put the Donald Duck jamies out with the next yard sale and grow up. It’s time to let go of ol’ Teddy, it’s time to be a man there big guy. What if you make a mistake? Don’t make it again. You are allowed to make mistakes if you can learn from them. That’s the whole point, we are all human, the difference is that as a man you need to make sure that you always learn from your mistakes. As a woman your partner needs to know that she too has to learn from her mistakes and needs to know that if she doesn’t learn, you will not hesitate to hold her accountable.

Doesn’t seem fair does it?
Well for a very few couples it’s not.

The man just might find himself over his ladies knee someday too. Stop grinning, if you are one of those couples you just might find yourself unable to walk or sit comfortably for a day or two… or more.

Bouncing around on the Internet you are likely to find a thing called "The Spencer Plan", not sure if it’s real or fake, but there are actually couples that follow some form of household similar to it. Allegedly composed by a woman doctor in the early half of the 20th century the Spencer Plan states that a wife must always be spanked bare hand while a husband must always be whipped with a leather strap or paddle. This justice is administered for infractions determined by their contracts to one another.

So you’re not worried are you big guy?
The petite little woman will never be able to swing one of those big fraternity paddles. Don’t bet on it! Those things aren’t really all that heavy and just because she never played baseball, doesn’t mean that old battle-axe gym teacher she had, Ms. Ironbuns, didn’t teach her how to swing a bat for softball. Also those men who have been on the receiving end in such relationships can attest to the astonishing power hidden in that little hairbrush on her dressing table.

Oh, and be sure to watch your mouth in the kitchen if you see her reaching for a spatula or wooden spoon too.

Do you remember those old fashioned cartoons you watched on TV as a kid? Remember the wife swinging the rolling pin over her head as she chased her poor husband down the street? Well, the ol’ girl wasn’t stupid. She had no intention of giving the bread winner a life threatening concussion, she wanted a life altering experience for her man. She had a softer target in mind about three feet lower, and he knew it, which is why he ran like a bat from Hades.

What has the concept of LDD done for me?
It has taught me what was missing from my marriage, and why it failed. It has taught me that the emotions that so fill a woman’s soul, the things that define her femininity are the hardest things that she deals with, and sometimes she just needs a release. She needs her man, to be a man.


  1. I like this essay. I have given up on my husband, although you make many good points in explaining these needs to him. I am one of those that gets tremendous pleasure from being spanked. So what's the difference between that and discipline? Tone, and the feeling that I've disappointed my Top. The pleasurable spanking will have to wait until after.

    I wish you the best of luck in your own journey and in finding that special someone.

  2. I was directed to this post and I would love to say it's great! Well it is great in theory, but I just don't think I could ever get MrC to read it. I'm with fannyannie, what's so different about pleasure and discipline? arrggghhhhh

  3. Well, like fanie annie says... "Tone, and the feeling that I've disappointed my Top".

    So, scolding, setting the tone, knowing why you are getting spanked can completely change the experience.

  4. AWWWWW MAN!!!!!!

    I just wrote a great comment but lost it trying to sign on to my account.

    I really love this post. Men who read it whould learn a lot.


  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. I printed this out and gave it to my husband yesterday. He says he is willing to try this. I hope it works. Alot of the time we fight it is my fault. I feel that if I knew there were consequences to my actions I might think twice. I guess what I need is a good old fashioned hard spanking on my bare bottom to teach me a lesson.

  7. Anonymous...
    What I think you do actually really need is to know that your husband loves you. What happens fron there only time will tell. Your willingness to submit may change may be the key to a much brighter future if e is willing to andable to appreciate what a wonderful gift it is that you are giving him and if he can know it is through love.

  8. I love the idea of so much of this. Though like the first commentor said, I'm near giving up on my fiance. I hold up the relationship, take the courses, read the books, try to bring in new information to make us stronger, and he's content how we are. Him playing video games several hours a day after working, or all day if he's got the day off. He wants me around home, but only so that he knows where I am and has me around if he wants me to get beer or wants to boast about the game.

    The idea of putting him over MY knee certainly got a long lasting smile from me.

    walk in light and love,